I read all of the responses to my last entry, even if I didn't reply to all of them. It was because I realized I could reply here and say thank you so much for sticking around and for your kind words of support!
It's been a little over a week, and a lot has happened. My first two days without my laptop, I thought I was going to go insane, because I realized something. I have absolutely no hobbies or interests, no substance or passion to my life. Over the past 4-5 years I have become a slave to the internet. I have developed a serious addiction to the point in which without it, I feel completely and entirely empty as a person, and I have no idea how to spend my time.
Slowly, I started to find things to do, like play cards, sketch a little bit, watch movies and T.V., and play around on our piano. I started to spend very little time in my bedroom, because there's nothing to do in here and it's too small and cramped and lonely. I hung out with my family and had both meaningful and ridiculous conversations with both my mom and my brother. I haven't actually spoken to them at length for a very long time, and I found I enjoyed it. I hung out with my friends, and made a new one in the process. I made it to important appointments, filled out important forms, and left the house at least once every day, when previously I wouldn't leave it for weeks and I would miss appointments or avoid any thing of importance. At this point it was something to do, and because my mind was unclouded by my laptop, I could focus on it and get it done.
The appointments I went to were in regards to Mental Health, and I finally got a personality assessment done, which gave me and my mom the answers we have been looking for my whole life. It's true that I suffer from high anxiety and depression, but these things are the effect, not the cause. The causes stem from me avoiding doing anything I don't want to do by whatever means necessary, being too afraid to speak up and be assertive when something is bothering me until I finally snap and fly into a rage, being too dependent on others to look after everything for me, and lastly, really not have any concept of who I am as a person.
This past week I have found myself tackling these problems. I've been working on being as truthful as possible in everything, to both myself and others, which means taking responsibility for my actions and not lying to ease my guilt. My new motto is that lies lead to regrets, but truth really does set you free. I've also been facing uncomfortable or unpleasant situations head-on, despite my fears. I've been doing a lot of soul-searching, and so far I've compiled a bit of a mental list of who I'm not, which is giving me a better idea of who I am.
And lastly, I got tired of using my depression and anxiety as excuses to get out of working for a living, and I went out a got myself a job. In the interview I informed them I was on medication and seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist on a regular basis, and that I did suffer anxiety and depression, so if they didn't want to hire me, I'd understand. They hired me anyway. They are starting me off easy, just stocking the dairy coolers (it's a grocery store) and learning where things are in the store, and eventually they plan to train me to take delivery orders and work the cash register as well. But because I was honest with them about my problems, we are working together to make sure that this is a job that I will be able to do. It's so different this time around. I'm not hiding anymore.
So my mom saw that I was making all these enormous changes, and the person that is writing this is not the person who wrote the last entry, and she gave me my laptop back. And things will be different now. I will not be on here as often, and I might not upload much of anything in the future. I've made myself sick of writing and drawing. Just because I'm half decent at it, it's been the only thing I've done since I was a child. I don't even enjoy it anymore. I always fall short of my own expectations, and then I lose interest in the project. I am not an artist, and I am not a writer. I'm just a person who happens to have some talent for both. It's time for me to move on and discover who I am.
As for internet friendships, it's nothing against you guys as individuals or as a group (I know you are all lovely people who deserve love and I sincerely hope you find it) but I need to step away. I need to pull away from the online scene and rediscover what it's like to have an actual social life of sorts. I need to be around people, doing things and making memories. I've wasted a quarter of my life already, and I don't intend to waste anymore time. My time online is being reduced to a past-time activity, something I do when all other things have been exhausted, the way it should be. It will no longer be my entire life.
And I strongly encourage some of you who have similar issues as me to reconsider your own lives and how different they might be if you stepped away from the internet and engaged in your own life, before it passes you by.